Thursday, April 30, 2009
Haha, I realized whenever I try to find something on trust, it will always refer me back to faith.
I started reading Malachi last night before going to bed because in my bible the book subtitle was "When Faith Goes Weak" (I think...or weary...). Considering all that's happened and more happening as these days go by, it would be wise to read about what happens when I start to lose faith in God. Or maybe the book will tell me why I shouldn't lose faith. Either way, I will still learn something.
I didn't get too far since it was late and I was tired, plus I didn't want to try and read as much as I can since I won't understand anything. After reading the first chapter, I found something I could relate to.
7 "You place defiled food on my altar.
"But you ask, 'How have we defiled you?'
"By saying that the LORD's table is contemptible. 8 When you bring blind animals for sacrifice, is that not wrong? When you sacrifice crippled or diseased animals, is that not wrong? Try offering them to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you?" says the LORD Almighty.
- Malachi 1: 7-8
I think I've done that before. Well, not literally. When we have faith in God, we'd put down the best we have and trust that He will provide us with whatever we need. But it seems like I've put down crap on the table and hoping God will provide me with the best things possible. How could I be so naive to think that God would accept it?? Sigh, maybe that just shows how weak I am and believe things that I shouldn't, especially if it's coming from me.
Learning to trust isn't as easy as one would think. Thinking back and trying to remember the last time I put my trust in someone, when I truely opened everything up was a while ago. There are always things people hide and won't trust anyone with that information. But, of course, there is God. The one exception to whom you can trust to keep that information safe. But still, there are times when we don't utilize the things we have because to trust is to become vulnerable to everything (well, maybe not everything...some things for sure).
So what did I learn yesterday? I suck at trusting, hahahahaha.
Action: Read more and maybe I'll learn to trust!
Hmm, I don't think my thoughts are that organized after reading all this again...oh well! Have fun trying to understand it!...lol
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6: 25-34
I've been worrying a lot in the past 4 days ever since Sunday night. I found out that my offer from York got withdrawn and my supposed secure backup is now gone and has made me feel scared. Scared about my future since I don't know where I'll be going or doing when September hits. A lot of other things are getting me worried. Starting of work, how to get to work, how I'll get to work when I've moved even further, money problems, etc. has made me want to bash my skull in. I don't think I've ever felt so stressed in my entire life. No exam or essay has made me feel this way ever. Not even when I had 4 exams in 3 days.
So yeah, I started worrying but I remembered the cup that the ACF Women's Cell from 2 or 3 years ago gave to me. It said "Do not worry". So I looked up the passage on do not worry. I read it, and when it hit "O you of little faith", I just felt horrible. I know I should have total faith in God that He will pull me through. I've prayed and asked God to help me continuously and it's not like He hasn't help me at all. He's gotten me on the waiting list for York at least after countless efforts for the past few days of trying to get them to accept me back. I was able to remember to send extra transcripts for other places when I thought I've already done it before. After all that, I should have total faith in that He will pull me through. And yet, I will worry so much of what to do. Another thing that just hit me was OSAP. I'd have to pay OSAP if I don't make it to any school for next year and then there's the interesting which will be accumulating while I await for schools to either reject me or accept me. FRIGGGGGGGG...I'm so worried.
It's all been a good lesson right from the start. I'm sure my parents were angry at me for not making sure all my application stuff for York was done properly but they didn't yell at me. I know they probably wanted to but it was a mistake that I'd have to take responsibilities for and suffer for. That's probably how it led to me remember to check transcripts and start worrying about if I've completed all my applications for the rest of the schools.
In a way I'm glad all this is happening now rather than later, though it would have been nice for this all to never to happen but can't have everything. I'm glad it's happening now because I'll be packing and moving and working later on and adding the pressure of trying to get to York will be too much for me to handle. If I feel this crap right now about the stupid stuff I did now, then I'd feel suicidal if I found out later.
There's those times when you just want to crawl into a ball and cry it all out. It feels like one of those moments for me right now, but I think there will probably be worse things in the future that I'd rather cry over. So, as of now, I have yet to cry over these things as I await for future bad stuff to happen (secretly hoping they don't happen so I don't have to cry).
All I can really do now is to pray and ask Him to continue to help me and support me in all ways possible. All I can do is wait and not worry about it....but it's hard.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's weird how after these last few weeks, I won't be coming back in September for school anymore. I always just left London and didn't feel any sadness that I had to go home. But now that it has hit me that I won't be returning, all the memories I've made here are starting to make me not want to leave. (Maybe I should pull a Doreen or Caleb :p.) I hope I can hitch a ride from someone and come back to visit sometime :).
I remember talking to grads from other years about how time flies after each year, and they said it flies even faster in 4th year. And I have to agree, it sure does. I wished school was 12 full months instead of 8 months. It would be exhausting but it gives us more time to spend with each other and make more friends. I've only begun to get to know the frosh and it's already seems too late! I want to know how the other grads did it when they had to leave. How did they leave here?
I was able to learn so much during my university career. As I said during sharing time at this years ACF banquet, friendship is one of the things we shouldn't overlook in university. I know first hand the great things friendship can bring. Laughter, honesty, accountability, company, support, encouragement and FUN! It hit me during the worship session at banquet how I loved to be here and how much I'd miss it here. Being able to go out to eat randomly at someone's house. Playing games until 4am. Using school's internet bandwidth to watch shows and play games. Playing snow football during superbowl season. But most of all, just doing random things with friends.
I'm not sure if people know why I go to Einsteins so much. Yeah, I study there a lot in the morning and stuff, but it's also to be able to see all the familiar faces that walk by. It's kind of what Kan said during his sharing about how being able to see people and just giving him a nod made him feel great. Being able to hang out with friends, laughing at stupid jokes, making people feel awkward, or just simply studying together was a joy. Seeing Einsteins empty makes me sad and with nothing to do except to wander and try to find everyone.
I do feel sad that I have to leave and move on to be mature, but I guess that's the process of life. Some things have to come to an end but there is always a new door opening for a new beginning. Just taking that first step isn't always as easy as you think it would be.
My thoughts were pretty random it seemed, but I hope it all made some sense. May everyone excel in their exams and studies.