Thursday, December 20, 2007
I feel so stupid. How can I not get a 60 in evolution??!! URGGHHHH!!!! Why must I put more pain and suffering onto myself??!! Re-taking orgo was bad enough...now I have to retake evolution also?! This is madness!! OMGosh!!!!
Someone kill me now!!! Why do I have to do this again??!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I don't even know what to do with my life anymore. What am going to go into for my program? What kind of job would I get with the crap marks I have? What am I doing?
I thought I would do loads better this year. It seemed alright with the two marks that came out first. I knew ecology was going to be tough but I still don't have to retake it. DARN IT! Evolution ruined it all. Now I'm so confused and rattled about what to do with myself. Should I give up? Should I kill myself? Should I keep trying? Should I think of more backup plans that might not even succeed? I don't know anymore. My school/career life is so messed up now. A two digit number can do so much damage.
I'M SO CONFUSED AND PANICY (not sure if that's a word or not)!!!
Is it the effort I put into studying? Or is it just my understanding of how evolution works? Who cares if we may have diverged from hominids? Who cares if our LUCA (last universal common ancestor) changes? Who friggin cares about genetics??!! MY GOSH!! Why is genetics part of evolution. It already has it's own course all alone, why does it have to be in evolution as well?!! OH MY GOSH!!! Why won't this suffering end? If evolution was a person, I'd stab the heck out of it. No, not just stab. I might just even cut it into pieces, deep fry it and feed it to genetics since they like being together so much.
I need a new emotion to express my anger and desire to murder evolution. I need to punch something. I need to release this madness within onto something. I need to bash someone's face in or smash someone's head into a brick wall.
wow, so much anger....dang....no wonder people call me violent....it is pretty true...but these are just words and no actions will follow...sigh....i should have just made better life decisions when i was younger....
WHO THE FRIG INVENTED OR CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF EVOLUTION??!! WAS IT DARWIN?? I'M GONNA TRAVEL BACK IN TIME AND KILL YOUR FINCHES!!! THEN SEE HOW YOU'LL COME UP WITH THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOUR GRANDFATHER TOO!! (i think it was his grandfather..or father...or uncle...or brother?) HE CAME UP WITH THE STUPID COMMON ANCESTOR THINGY!!! HE MUST DIE TOO!!! YOU ALL MUST DIE TO SATISFY MY ANGER AND THURST FOR BLOOD!!
dang...that is violent.....sheesh...i should really stop being so angry and find a different way of doing things....sighhhhhhhhh
*on long last sigh*
PS: don't think I'm gonna kill someone. I won't. I was just kidding/trying to express my anger and depression.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
uhhh...i'll try to post some stuff...dunno when but i'll try
good luck all in exams and stuff
ps. buy me presents...hahahahahhaha..j/k
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Why am I not asleep yet? Is it because I took a long nap during the day? If it is, then I'm never taking naps that long ever again.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to watch Wimbeldon (sp?). For some reason I wanted to watch this when the movie first came out. ^shrugs^
Tried to sleep after the movie but still couldn't. The sky is turning blue now. I'm gonna be doomed during the day now.
Hope everyone is sleeping and not like me.
Friday, June 01, 2007
The movie "Young and Dangerous" talks about the triads in Hong Kong, Taiwan and Japan. I was thinking how Christians are not that different, aside from the killing and other nasty business. Triads want to spread and make their turf bigger; Christians want to spread the gospel to the world. Only difference is that they kill/do drugs/threaten/etc to accomplish their goal, and we don't. They worship a God like we do, just not the same God. Yeah, you can say we are totally different from them but you can't deny that we resemble in some ways.
We have brothers and sisters in Christ, they also have people they call brothers and sisters.
The triad would take a knife to the back, a shot in the chest, a punch to the face, a burn the neck for their fellow brothers and sisters. This makes me wonder if my brothers and sisters in Christ would do that or not. Though traid members tend to be disloyal, but when they are loyal, nothing can break it.
Can we take these blows from satan for our brothers and sisters? I'm pretty sure we can.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Went to Naz today for the first time. Pastor Junior is really charismatic, and I like it. I like the passion he has for Christ. The worship was led by Roger and I found it to be great as well. I wouldn't mind going there again some time.
Not much has been going on. Class, finish homework, game, anime, game some more. That's pretty much my life right now. Nothing special. Lots of struggles it seems lately. Not going to say it all here because I don't really know exactly what they are. Just feels like I'm struggle.
Feel like going back to my Asian roots, haha. Maybe I should pick up my chinese again. Should try to make it my goal. Should actually start making a lot more goals so my life doesn't seem meaningless to me.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
"When I go back and read my journal one of these years, the end of 1983 and the beginning of 1984 will be dominated by two phrases: frontier missions and wartime mentality. More than ever in my life the stark reality of thousands of people groups unreached by a "peaceful" western church, has been branded on my brain. More and more it troubles my heart. The logic of love is irresistible. If I love the lost I will seek to save them from perishing. If I love the glory of God I will work to overcome the worldwide ignorance and belittling of that glory. The blinders are beginning to fall off of my eyes and the bombshells of the unseen war are beginning to explode with terrible brightness all around me. I am coming to see the peacetime mentality that dominates our church and our conference as a tactical victory of Satan -- the result of a kind of nerve gas from Satan's arsenal of chemical weaponry that gives the soldiers of Christ a kind of stupor in some and religious euphoria in others, and eventually puts them to sleep at the gates of the enemy, and makes them utterly oblivious to the cries of the P.O.W.'s behind the wall. Who but Satan could devise a chemical weapon which when spread over the army of Christ would make them content simply to hold worship services and support groups at the door of Satan's dungeon? Picture the Allied troops landing in Germany, marching victoriously toward the smoke from the ovens of Dachau, and then stopping at the gates, setting up camp and having a big Bavarian beer bust to celebrate while the Gestapo finishes murdering 5,000 Jews behind the gates. Satan is satisfied with all our religious activity as long as it does not move us to break down those gates to rescue the perishing.
Therefore, at the top of my agenda these days has been the question: how can I get myself and the church awake to a wartime mentality? Is there some way to break the spell? Picture a great army asleep with mighty weapons in their limp hands and armor in their tents. Picture them sleeping in the fields all around one of Satan's strongholds. Suddenly, an eyelid blinks, a head lifts and looks around. Then another and another. A strange awakening spreads through the field. Muscles are flexed. Armor fitted. Swords sharpened. Eyes meet with silent excitement. The light in the commander's tent goes on, the generals gather and the strategy for the attack is laid.
Friday, May 11, 2007
A few weeks ago at P&R's, Doreen brought up this song but didn't
remember the whole song. So I decided to look it up!
This was a pretty good song, so I decided to share with you all! Enjoy!
Thankful For Your Fellowship
Every time I think of you, my heart is filled with joy.
I thank God for all you've meant to me.
You have helped me serve the Lord in many, many ways.
We are partners for eternity.
I'm thankful for your fellowship;
thankful for your partnership,
Thankful for the love we share in Je-sus Christ.
I'm thankful for the joy we've known,
Thankful for the way we've grown.
I thank God each time I think of you.
God is using you to give this gospel to this land.
Your whole life is serving Him some way.
And I'm sure He'll carry on, His work will not be done.
Until Jesus comes again someday.
You are always in my heart, it's right for you to know,
I love you because of Jesus' love.
I'm praying everyday, your love will grow and grow,
Guided by His wisdom form above.
As you choose to do His will, He'll free you from all sin,
You will face His judgment without blame.
Then when Jesus comes again, your life will be
Fulfilled giving praise and glory to God's name.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Praise the Lord really for this year. I don't know how I passed but I did. Even though I need to retake one course for a better mark, I'm still glad that I somehow made it through the harsh 2nd year combos. Walking into a lot of my exams, I didn't really feel that confident. And when I was writing them, it just made me feel even worse. Leaving most of them before the 2 hr mark made me feel nervous as to whether or not I'll pass. But praise the Lord! Not only did I pass, but I passed with a higher mark than I anticipated! Now all I have to do is not to screw up the next 2 years.
I was reading Proverbs 27 yesterday and read a few good quotes.
9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
11 Be wise, my son, and bring joy to my heart;
then I can answer anyone who treats me with contempt.
17 As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.
19 As water reflects a face,
so a man's heart reflects the man.
Not much to say about them. They just stood out to me when I read them. Hopefully they'll mean something to others when they read it. I think I like verse 11 a bit more than the rest because it applies to what I need right now, answers. So I guess I can't be stupid anymore and do stupid things.
Still looking for a job in London and Toronto. The Lord will provide.
Keep having a great summer! Turn those A/C's up so we can have another power outage...hahaha! Just kidding.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
I left the house with about 5 minutes before service started. Hearing that MCBC was pretty close to where I lived but parking was madness, I decided to walk there. Without knowing how the building looked like or where it really was exactly, I kept walking. At some points I even began to run a bit hoping I'd find it in time for the message.
I was at an intersection, seeing two buildings in different directions. One was big and white, the other I could only see the tip of the building. Thinking churches might usually be white for some reason, I raced towards the big building. As I walked closer, I was wondering where the cross on top of the building could be. Also where all the cars are. The parking lot was pretty much empty when I got there. There was no sign or anything near the building saying what it was. So I walked around to the front to find that it was not a church at all. I turned around and headed back to where I was before.
I started to go to the other building which seemed a bit further away than the first building. While I was walking/running, I came across Logo's Baptist Church. I was thinking of just going there but didn't seem like they were going to start service soon. Since I told my parents they can come find me at 10:30am (after service), I decided not to go to LBC. I kept walking and walking but I couldn't find that building. I looked up to try and see the roof but it was no where to be found. It was already 9:50/9:55am. There was no point looking anymore seeing how I missed 30minutes of the service already.
So what did I learn from all this?
I learned that satan tries really hard to keep you away from God. During the walking and running, the thought of just giving up kept running through my head. But I realized that satan was at work here and ignored him as much as possible. Even though at the end I didn't go to church, I learned a lot from the morning running around. God will continually give you strength to fight satan. He will protect you when you walk alone on the streets. Even when you take the wrong road, He will bring you back safely on the right road.
Hope everyone learned something from their own church service!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
No matter how much you picture your life to be, it may never end up the way you want it to be. Some say they don't want to be married or have kids then BAM! You're married with a gazillion kids running around your house. That's how life is, full of unexpected things. I guess that's how it should be. If your life is predictable, then where would the excitement and fun be? Whether you believe in predestination or free will, you can't predict the future either way
But I guess I should really think about the future. If I don't prepare myself for whatever is ahead of me, then I'll be so confused and lost when the time comes. How am I suppose to prepare for the future though? I don't really feel like learning a bunch of things that may not help me in the future. It would seem like a waste of time. But I don't really know which things will be helpful or not. Argh! Why must it be so hard? Oh well, I can't do anything about it but let God deal with this. These things are out of my range so whatever I am lead to do, I will do.
Oh, if anyone knows a good job in the field of science, please help me get a job! Hahaha, I really want a job! Thanks!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Exams were the worst this year. All of them were pretty killer, but God has kept me alive through it all and hopefully passed me. I've learned many things. Both about the things I study and the things about life.
It feels like I have a lot to say but I just don't know how to say them for some reason.
A lot of people to thank, that's for sure. Too many to name, so hopefully you all know who you are. But for sure, thanks to all the grads. They have made my second year a blast. All the things they taught me and shared with me. I would not be what I am today without them. Not talking about the Summit influence, but the growth with God. He's shown me so much through all of them that I'm just overly blessed.
All the late night lan parties, random bowling or random crashing someone's house. It's been a blast.
I'll miss these times. Nothing would be able to replace them. Thanks everyone. Thank you God.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
When I first read this, the first thing that came to my mind was, "This is really true." Not only for me, but I'm sure that this is true for everyone. Looking back in time and even now, some of the laughs I enjoyed was just covering my aches, pains and sorrows. The worries I had were hidden away, the suffering was held within. I usually tell people to not keep things inside because it's not healthy for them, in an emotional/mental way. But yet I don't listen to what I say. So hypocritical eh? Even though I know how bad it is to keep things hidden away inside, locked away never to be seen or heard by anyone, I still do it. Maybe it's just I haven't found anyone I can tell, or I just don't want to burden others with what I have.
Jon T. came out onto the stage at coffeehouse with 5 or 6 backpacks hanging from his arms and shoulders. All the burdens, worries, etc were too heavy for him. One by one, he let them go, taking the weight off himself. Too bad they aren't actually that easy to drop onto the floor and walk away from them.
"But we all bleed the same way as you do, and we all have the same things to go through." - Good Charlotte: Hold On
The video for this song was originally speaking to people who ever thought about suicide, people who experience it and survived, and others who knew someone that suicided. Not that I am thinking about it, it's just what the video was talking about. The sentence just reminded me of how everyone goes through the same things as well. Everyone keeps a lot of things to themselves so they can't be hurt by others or burden others.
I know that I will slowly be able to let these things go, one at a time. But for now, I'll just need to deal with them. Through the strength that God has given, it shall be done.
Friday, March 09, 2007
The speaker began to share about her past. How one of her ex-boyfriends broke up with her, not because her personality, but because of her body. Because of this one detail, one thing that she did not have, he broke up with her.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? - Matthew 7:3
That small speck of sawdust (our imperfections) leads us to such ignorance. We only see other's imperfections when we have such a big plank stuck in our own eye. Who are we to judge them? Who gave us the permission to judge others by what they did, where they went, how they did things?
The speaker made a very good point that I never thought about. We all have planks in our lives, but I didn't see that Jesus died on 2 planks nailed together. There are two people in a marriage of course, and both the man and woman has a plank. Just because they have these planks does not mean they should not be together. These planks were taken away by Jesus when He died on the cross. One plank from the man, the other from the woman. He took them away.
Alone, we are only one plank. Together, we form the cross.
Friday, March 02, 2007
and receives favor from the LORD.
36 But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."
The title "Wisdom's Call" is so awesome. Wisdom is actually calling out to us, telling us to search and receive her. By discovering wisdom, we find life. It's that simple! But how do we find wisdom though? It's not like wisdom is playing hide-and-seek with us. Wisdom can be found by reading the bible and asking God for it.
In 1 Kings 3, Solomon asks the Lord for wisdom.
9 So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"10 The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. 11 So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.
The Lord was happy that Solomon asked for wisdom. What holds us back from asking for wisdom as well? If we have the right heart for it, the Lord will for sure grant us with it. With the new wisdom, we would be able to find new life, according to what wisdom tells us. What is this new life that we would find though?
Verse 36, it says that if we do not find wisdom, then we will harm ourselves. If you think about that, it's true. Without wisdom, we tend to do things that are stupid. We begin to hurt ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. But we do this to begin with anyways. Therefore, we ask for wisdom. Wisdom that will allow us to see the wrongs we have done.
Wisdom is awesome, isn't it?
Friday, February 23, 2007
Home for the weekend and the back in here for super dupper studying spectacular!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Looking at the line moving all the way up towards catastrophe, it reminds me of someone building up anger or someone being so depressed all the way up to that point. Then they just fall all the way down to the lowest point where they will be rescued.
It reminds me of life. The highest point could also mean an achievement or when we feel extremely proud or something of that sort. But at that point, we become most vulnerable as well, hence catastrophe. And if we get affected, we fall. We fall down hard. At our lowest point we get rescued only to continue the cycle.
Hmm, not sure where I am going with this. It just came to my mind when I saw it in my textbook, even though I saw this in class as well. hahaha
Saturday, February 03, 2007
It's so cold today! This is the first day which I felt cold. The wind is skin-piercingly cold! I couldn't feel my nose when I walked from the bus stop to my house. The worse part of that was the direction of the wind. It was blowing into me!!! BRRRRR!!!! Time to finally wear my winter jacket? Maybe, maybe not.
Arg, school. How I love it yet it tries so hard to kill me. Why must you do this to me?
Wet Willies are fun. Janine and Theresa are my #1 victims. Theresa more. Her reactions are so funny. Need to master the double ear wet willy. Watch out you two! hahaha
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Next morning, my small group was in charge of prepping breakfast. This was probably my most memorable part of all retreats so far. First off, Shaggy appeared out of nowhere! Glad he could make it for just that one day. At my breakfast table, I realized I was eating cereal with milk. This is not a good thing considering I'm starting to be or already am lactose intolerant. So we started to talk about farting and how the silent ones are the most deadly (EBD). We also talked about how we would tilt to one side so that we wouldn't make any sounds when we farted. This would make it less embarrassing but more deadly for some reason. During that whole time, I was just accumulating the gas in my stomach. Then without notice, I tilted to one side and released on towards Victoria. She didn't notice at first until I asked her if she smelled anything. Hahahaha, jokes. Didn't get a chance to lay one on Theresa since we both are the gasy type.
Eating times are always the best. It's always stress free and so amusing when people tell jokes, do funny things or just act foolish. So easy to be yourself and enjoy your time with your friends. How I already miss it!
The sermons were good I thought. The "balance in our lives" portion of one sermon really got to me, seeing how I don't really balance my life that well. Roger's Sunday morning sermon was good as well. He never ceases to amaze me.
Arriving back in London, Hiram, Simon and me went to McDonalds and met Karen, Wayne and Joe there. Wayne gave us coupons and we got 2 Two-Can Dine deals. Hiram and Simon shared one, I ate the other myself. Mmmm, 2 Big Mac combos *drools*.
Week has been alright. There was lack of motivation to work or do anything at all. Thursday night I went back to campus and tried to do a whole nighter at the UCC but failed and left at 1:15am. Boy was it a cold night. I didn't sleep until 5am due to cooking dinner at 2am-ish and watching stuff on my computer. Woke up at 7:30am and left to give my friend a book to bring to Toronto for me. Stayed for prayer meeting. Got home and didn't take a nap. Tried to but got woken up by loud shouts. Showered and went to fellowship. So worried that I'd fall asleep because it was Praise and Prayer night. Didn't want to fall asleep during the prayer part. To my amazement, I felt no tiredness at all. Afterwards just loitered in the room. Bunch of us went to Barakat's for some shwarmas. Mmmm, good 'ol shwarmas *drools*.
Still very unmotivated to work. Midterms are creeping near once again. The horrors and nightmares of answering questions wrong loom over my shoulders. Breathing down my neck. Laughing at my stupid mistakes. Too bad I can't jab my pencil at it.
It's going to be rough, but we'll all pull through.
Friday, January 19, 2007
I've been struggling with the thought that academics, marks and school aren't important when most of my life has been revolving around school and studying. People always say that school isn't the most important. True, it isn't the most important, but it is important to me (not most).
I think studying has just stepped up in my list of important things in my life. After a horrible first term, study has push aside fun and games and going out more to the bottom of the list. It is now yelling and punching its way up the list even more like a crazy kid fighting his way to the ice cream man.
School itself hasn't been so bad this term. Though reading itself kills me since I hate reading to the max. This means I'm already behind in reading. So many chapters, so many words, so many definitions, so many theories, so many pictures (OooOooOOoOOO pictures!). On top of that, I finally have to start writing assignments which I really dread at the moment because of the non-internet resources we need to get for it even though it is a one page assignment. Hope this term would be a lot better than the last term or else I would go crazy and jump off a building so it all ends.
So weird that during the holiday break, I was so excited to go back to school and start the new semester. I still am happy to be back, but it just brings bad memories of marks and working extra hard.
Exercise, ha ha ha. Yeah, that ain't working out as I really wished it would. Haven't made my way to the gym at all. I should just...I don't know ^shrugs^. Maybe go for walks to clear the mind or run in the morning when the ground is a lot less slippery. Bike would be nice but not in this weather.
Going to retreat for the weekend. Reflect and renew myself there. Come back with a new strength to tango with school and the rest of life again. Hurray for retreat!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
As the holidays come to a close, I kind of reflect back on what happened in first semester and during holidays. Lots of work was involved but also a lot of fun. Passed all my courses but am I happy with them? Obviously not, but what more can I ask for? I passed, that was all I wanted after finishing all the exams. Seems like a lot of wasted time studying since the results were still that bad. Need a different method of studying. Probably spend less time studying and if I am studying, make it effective. Easier said than done. If anyone needs me, I'll be at Einsteins again.
Loads of fun living at Summit and it's only been one semester! All the gaming, raiding and chatting that goes on there is amazing. The experience of living outside is great. Tough but great. Going out to hang with people is awesome too! All the good food that was eaten, all the good conversations that were spoken.
Can't believe so much can happen in such a short time. Can't believe one semester passed by so fast either. If this keeps up, it'll be 4th in no time and then 30 years old creeps even nearer! But I'm sure whatever happens, the memories will be awesome. Hopefully I'll remember them all because I suck at remember unless if it somehow got embedded in my brain. Burned right in the frontal lobe (hope that's the right lobe).
Can't wait for second semester! Can't wait for retreat! Can't wait for more hot pot! Can't wait for everything! Can't wait for God to show me more!!
Monday, January 01, 2007
Happy New Year to everyone! The new year has finally come and I hope everyone welcomes it with open arms. Lots of things happened in 2006 and hopefully those memories will stay in my brain long enough for me to enjoy them again. Even if I don't, there will be new memories waiting for me in 2007 that will be more enjoyable and exciting.
Finally finished Romans and even though I know I missed a whole bunch of important things, I was still able to learn so much from it. Had a little review of it by going through it quickly looking at my highlighted parts. And all the thoughts I had on those sections or phrases came right back. It was great!! Now I'm off to Psalms and Song of Songs.
Hope everyone finishes their holidays with a good note so then you'll have a BIG smile :D when you struggle back to work or school. Hope all those that went to Urbana, Passion, One Thing or anything else had a wonderful time. Can't wait for ALL of you to share your experiences!