28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
- Matthew 6: 25-34
I've been worrying a lot in the past 4 days ever since Sunday night. I found out that my offer from York got withdrawn and my supposed secure backup is now gone and has made me feel scared. Scared about my future since I don't know where I'll be going or doing when September hits. A lot of other things are getting me worried. Starting of work, how to get to work, how I'll get to work when I've moved even further, money problems, etc. has made me want to bash my skull in. I don't think I've ever felt so stressed in my entire life. No exam or essay has made me feel this way ever. Not even when I had 4 exams in 3 days.
So yeah, I started worrying but I remembered the cup that the ACF Women's Cell from 2 or 3 years ago gave to me. It said "Do not worry". So I looked up the passage on do not worry. I read it, and when it hit "O you of little faith", I just felt horrible. I know I should have total faith in God that He will pull me through. I've prayed and asked God to help me continuously and it's not like He hasn't help me at all. He's gotten me on the waiting list for York at least after countless efforts for the past few days of trying to get them to accept me back. I was able to remember to send extra transcripts for other places when I thought I've already done it before. After all that, I should have total faith in that He will pull me through. And yet, I will worry so much of what to do. Another thing that just hit me was OSAP. I'd have to pay OSAP if I don't make it to any school for next year and then there's the interesting which will be accumulating while I await for schools to either reject me or accept me. FRIGGGGGGGG...I'm so worried.
It's all been a good lesson right from the start. I'm sure my parents were angry at me for not making sure all my application stuff for York was done properly but they didn't yell at me. I know they probably wanted to but it was a mistake that I'd have to take responsibilities for and suffer for. That's probably how it led to me remember to check transcripts and start worrying about if I've completed all my applications for the rest of the schools.
In a way I'm glad all this is happening now rather than later, though it would have been nice for this all to never to happen but can't have everything. I'm glad it's happening now because I'll be packing and moving and working later on and adding the pressure of trying to get to York will be too much for me to handle. If I feel this crap right now about the stupid stuff I did now, then I'd feel suicidal if I found out later.
There's those times when you just want to crawl into a ball and cry it all out. It feels like one of those moments for me right now, but I think there will probably be worse things in the future that I'd rather cry over. So, as of now, I have yet to cry over these things as I await for future bad stuff to happen (secretly hoping they don't happen so I don't have to cry).
All I can really do now is to pray and ask Him to continue to help me and support me in all ways possible. All I can do is wait and not worry about it....but it's hard.
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